I’m back in treatment again.
I can’t believe I let this happen.
How did this happen in the first place?
I’m so stupid for not realizing what I was doing to myself again.
What will everyone think when they find out?
I’m supposed to be in recovery and doing well, not relapsing and back in treatment.
Will I ever get better?
Why should this time be any different then last time?
I am such a failure.
These are just some of the thoughts I had when I relapsed about a year ago. I thought the world was ending. I was so scared to tell anyone, that I let it get really bad before I admitted that I needed help. I entered treatment again exactly one year after I started treatment the year before. I was devastated. I wanted to start my life in Israel, but my body and mind had different plans for me. Failure was the word that kept swirling around in my head. Failure for relapsing, failure for not being able to “handle” life in Israel, failure for being homesick.
But in actuality, I was strong, Strong because I recognized I needed help. Strong because I decided to return to NY for treatment. Strong for taking care of myself.
There is nothing wrong with relapsing. It means that there is more work to be done, which was my case. I uncovered so much about the function of my eating disorder in treatment when I returned. It was eye opening and helpful. Even though I dreaded group, I still got something out of them. Since I went back to the same treatment center I had been at previously, I had already done most the groups. Participating in the same groups was helpful, because I was able to see how I have changed and also learn from new people that I wasn’t with previously.
When the therapists first saw that I was back, the first thing the they asked me was “How will this time be different then last time?”. My answer to them was that I am in a better place mentally, and am willing to dig deep and get the work done. This was very true and I did just that. I grew so much as person and learned a lot about myself. I really began to figure out who I was and what I wanted in life and realized that this is ever evolving. Who I am today is different from who I’ll be tomorrow or yesterday.
The question I was asked by the therapists is an important one. I had already gone through treatment once, so why did I end up back there. How will this time be different to help me not end up back there again. It gave me something to think about and if you happen to find yourself back in treatment, ask yourself this question. Find out what your motivation will be and find out how you plan to act while in treatment. Will you be willing to participate or will you be angry about being there? Your choice. I chose to be willing to participate. Best decision ever.
For me, returning to treatment was the best thing I had ever done. I came through the other side. I can say that I am now in recovery. I know myself so much more, how to take care of myself and what to do to prevent a relapse.
Comment below with your experience returning to treatment and any advice you have.